Almost 3 months now. Will it go beyond that? What happened? What's happening to us? What's happening to me? Why does it always have to boil down to one thing? Lead to another... What am I doing here? Why do you always take things in a negative way? Why can't I be happy with what I do? Why can't I earn money to fund the things I want to do. Why do we work? Why do we live? Why do you have to read this? Where will I go next? Where will I find you? Where can I rest? How am I supposed to finish this? How will I live?
Yet another blog. I hope you feel that. Feel the deep, dark silence of pain. Feel the emotions flowing through every inch of your body. How dare you? What have you done? Which part of loving have I gone wrong? Why do I have to suffer for the things that I've never done before? Where will I find the answers to all the questions I'm asking? Me? As always... it has to be me. Why? Because there's no one else to blame, no one else to look into and say "It's your fault." Blame, the pungent smell of blame, the bitter tase of blame, the eye sore of a color called blame. We live to blame, we live to save our asses from being the one at fault. We admit things but we make sure hat the other party will feel guilty for what you said. Thus, clearing you from all the faults.
"Sorry", the endless word that keeps promises broken. The word that acts like a duct tape, patches all the pieces, until the adhesive expires and peals off of the pieces. "I will never do it again." words that seem so promising, but yet, full of lies. Sickening... just makes me want to splurge all of my stomach contents. I haven't eaten yet, so what ever is in my stomach will do. Gastric juices, blood, etc.
Promises that are said and yet to be discovered as lies. I hate being lied to. I hate to lie. I hate to live in a sea of lies. It's as if everything is falling apart, but to your discovery, it's just a state of mind. It's not the reality of things. Trying to admit that you're wrong even if you want to blame someone else for your faults... Reverse psychology... mastered it, and is sick of it. I know how it works, and it works well... and it sickens me...
I'm sick of this life... I'm sick of being here... I'm sick of it...
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
What's the use...
I can't remember the last time I cried, and the thing is, I no longer know how to. I don't know but there is just something wrong with me. I probably developed this personality wherein I just keep it inside and look for other outlets other than bursting into tears. I know guys rarely cry, but some guys do express themselves better by crying their hearts out. I used to be that guy, whenever I feel bad, I just look for someone to talk to, and feel better after I cried. But now? I don't know... Like what I've mentioned earlier, maybe something's wrong with me, or this is just me.
Who cares, right? People will tell you: "Don't feel that way... we're here for you..." but are they really there for you? They only say that just to make you feel better, because people tend to tell you stuff that you want to hear, rather than what you need to know. Wouldn't it be better to hear: "Okay, just cry, cherish the sadness, because it will soon leave you after you extinguished all of it." Or something like: "Stop being a pussy!" Yeah, that's right, I have more things in mind than what you see. I only express a portion of it, and if you really want to know everything that runs into my mind, please make sure that you have a life jacket of some sort. What will you do if one day the one person you love the most disappears, without a trace, without any record of existence, and when you ask people about this person, they'd only think that you're going crazy for imagining things? You'd probably go crazy. So what's the use? I have no idea.
Am I still making sense? Again, I don't know. It's up to you to figure out if what I'm saying is still acceptable, either way... I don't care. That's why there are blogs, journals, pen and paper, to listen to your thoughts without giving you a crap load of thoughts about life. "Making sense by saying nonsense things" a friend told me this, which really made sense to me. Why think of the things that make sense, where you could just be your self and let the world decide if you need to be shot, stone, hanged, skinned alive and / or what not. This world is definitely screwed if that happened anyway. Why would you kill for words of expression? Why would you accuse someone for doing something bad, that was only done in writing? Again, I don't care.
Yes... can you feel that? I've also learned that you can infuse your feelings in what you write. Even though you write something that is happy and light, you can still put a pinch of sadness and anger to those words. I don't know how other people do it, but I can sometimes do that to my writings. Hello there, how are you feeling today? Feel that? There is a gloomy feeling, a dark room with a single chair placed beside a window, you sit down and look outside... can you feel that? Someone is looking at you, and then, there's the feeling of being watched... The power of words and imagination.
People even ask me, what's you blog page about? And I just respond with "Random thoughts, you don't really have to have a theme or something..." for my view about blogging is putting random stuff into the site until they notice it and realize that what you're saying makes sense. Again, I don't care.
I've said enough for now. I will leave you with a question. What's the use?
-Zeze over and out.
Who cares, right? People will tell you: "Don't feel that way... we're here for you..." but are they really there for you? They only say that just to make you feel better, because people tend to tell you stuff that you want to hear, rather than what you need to know. Wouldn't it be better to hear: "Okay, just cry, cherish the sadness, because it will soon leave you after you extinguished all of it." Or something like: "Stop being a pussy!" Yeah, that's right, I have more things in mind than what you see. I only express a portion of it, and if you really want to know everything that runs into my mind, please make sure that you have a life jacket of some sort. What will you do if one day the one person you love the most disappears, without a trace, without any record of existence, and when you ask people about this person, they'd only think that you're going crazy for imagining things? You'd probably go crazy. So what's the use? I have no idea.
Am I still making sense? Again, I don't know. It's up to you to figure out if what I'm saying is still acceptable, either way... I don't care. That's why there are blogs, journals, pen and paper, to listen to your thoughts without giving you a crap load of thoughts about life. "Making sense by saying nonsense things" a friend told me this, which really made sense to me. Why think of the things that make sense, where you could just be your self and let the world decide if you need to be shot, stone, hanged, skinned alive and / or what not. This world is definitely screwed if that happened anyway. Why would you kill for words of expression? Why would you accuse someone for doing something bad, that was only done in writing? Again, I don't care.
Yes... can you feel that? I've also learned that you can infuse your feelings in what you write. Even though you write something that is happy and light, you can still put a pinch of sadness and anger to those words. I don't know how other people do it, but I can sometimes do that to my writings. Hello there, how are you feeling today? Feel that? There is a gloomy feeling, a dark room with a single chair placed beside a window, you sit down and look outside... can you feel that? Someone is looking at you, and then, there's the feeling of being watched... The power of words and imagination.
People even ask me, what's you blog page about? And I just respond with "Random thoughts, you don't really have to have a theme or something..." for my view about blogging is putting random stuff into the site until they notice it and realize that what you're saying makes sense. Again, I don't care.
I've said enough for now. I will leave you with a question. What's the use?
-Zeze over and out.
Monday, March 14, 2011
The life of an online gamer
*walks into the room*
Hey there! You're back! Or are you?
If you are reading this blog post, there are several reasons that comes into ones mind, either you're bored and just thought of searching the net for blogs; you're following my blogs because it is full of nonsense and it helps you get away from life even just for a few paragraphs; or you're a gamer. I won't mention the many reasons just to start this post. Either way, you're reading this already. Now let's start.
[Part 1]
The story begins when this guy went to college. A fresh grad from high school, wearing shirts larger than his body size, and pants that look like as if he was gonna mop the floor with it. He always carries a bag with him, a nap sack that contains a binder, a folder of his sketches, a mechanical pencil, a plastic eraser, some pens, and of course his handy dandy payong (umbrella). He probably was one of the typical college students wanting to be known for something, meeting new friends, and discovering stuff (though he already knows a lot, and when I say 'a lot' it means... he knows things that teenagers this age should know, and more).
He would usually go to the mall alone, walking around the place as if looking for something, though he just enjoys to roam around seeing new stuff (checking out girls included) , though he just looks, and not stare. And by that time, he was hearing things about this trend called online games. Of course he knows how to play online games, though not the types that you should go online just to play them. But the moment he heard about these things, he was curious to try it out.
He then went to a computer cafe called Netopia (advertisement of the brand name not intended). He tried out this game called Ragnarok Online. Signed up to make an account, entered the game, typed his username and his computer generated password in which he still uses up to this moment, the password that is; and then started to create a character. He made a swordsman, and to a newbie player, it was a start of something he'd never done before. Making a swordsman and adding up INT stats to the character was really funny when he remembers the first time he played. He was able to level up the swordsman to 53, only a level short to becoming a Knight, but decided to make a better character. Soon he was spending money just to buy prepaid cards for the game. It is just the beginning... just the start of his life as a citizen of the virtual world.
[Part 2]
I've played Ragnarok online for the whole duration of my college life. Though I've also played other online games in between, just to have a breath of fresh air. During my advance levels of gaming, I left my swordsman and made a new one, a support type; a Priest. Well sort of related too, because during that time, I also joined a choir. I enjoyed piloting my priest up until the later stages, but was sort of bored at times and had to take a break from gaming. Trust me, there will come a time where you would ask your self: "What's the purpose of being a gamer?" but then again, you will start playing and get addicted once more.
During the later parts of my college days, I've shifted to another game, well not another game, a lot of games even. I've met a lot of friends at the computer shop where I used to play (we don't have our own internet connection during that time, so i have to go to a computer shop just to play), which is also an advantage, because I was able to gain friends, and it's no fun playing alone. We used to check out Beta Test games, and make reviews if the game would click or not. I used to be one of the competitive gamers of the games called O2 Jam and Audition 3D Dance Battle. We've also played RYL (Risk Your Life) wherein we also gave it a new name called "Risk Your Lunch", because we tend to skip lunch just to play that game (hehe).
As I was saying earlier, playing online games will help you gain friends, and of course a few enemies, especially those who think they are better than you are and end up hacking your account. Our gang (Rad Barkada) as we call our selves later known as (Random Insanities) had this gamer in our computer shop, he'd always tend to out play us, to the point that he'd hack our accounts just to get our cool stuff. But just the same, it's not all about the game, it's also about the trust you give and you earn to your friends and this guy is not one of them.
Oh well, enough of the drama... After I graduated from college, I still continued being a gamer, and guess what, I had a teaching job at a local computer learning center at our place. The cool thing was, one of my students was also a member of the Rad Barkada. What's so cool about that? I can kick his but in game, and in campus (hehe). But I also keep in mind that in school, I'm a teacher, and he's my student, but in the computer shop, I'm a better gamer, and he's my apprentice. LOL! Just kidding.
Our group of artists and gamers all in one had been through a lot. Not only online, but also in real life. Some of us would have problems with their girlfriends, some would have mood swings, and some would just disappear, and come back again. All in all, we're just a normal group of people wanting to have a good time playing games and sharing our art with others.
[Part 3]
But every fun moment must come to an end. It came to us that the computer shop can no longer continue its business and had to close down. Our group had to part ways too, but make sure that we hang out once in a while. One of our members (Grey) had to work abroad. Others had to go to Alabang or Manila to work and study. Some of us had to focus on their studies, and I landed a job in Lipa. But that didn't stop me from playing. I found another computer shop near the place where I stay in and played one or two online games there. So my life continued...
And then I had to go abroad to work, this is where all the gaming fun starts, because I have all the time to play after office hours. I've started to become an aeriagames player. Grand Fantasia was next game I played, being able to reach level 63 as a Necromancer. I'm not as well equipped like the other players, but I sure can deal some massive debuff skills. I've played GF (Grand Fantasia) for several months, but got tired because the game just doesn't feel right anymore. But there's light at the end of the tunnel.
[Part 4]
While still playing GF, I've started to look for other games, and saw this new game, still from aeriagames. It's called Kitsu Saga, from the developers of Grand Fantasia, it was quite exciting to wait for the launching of the game and play it for the first time. And that was the first time I was able to join a Closed Beta Test period (it's the initial launch of the game, where players get to test out the game before adding more features to the game). So from CBT, to OBT (Open Beta Test) I've been playing KS (Kitsu Saga). It's quite a lot of fun. And I've met more friends than any other game I've played before. Though online, it's really an experience. ^_^
I'm still playing the game, and trying to learn more about it. Who knows what secrets are there. :)
...to be continued... i guess...
Hey there! You're back! Or are you?
If you are reading this blog post, there are several reasons that comes into ones mind, either you're bored and just thought of searching the net for blogs; you're following my blogs because it is full of nonsense and it helps you get away from life even just for a few paragraphs; or you're a gamer. I won't mention the many reasons just to start this post. Either way, you're reading this already. Now let's start.
[Part 1]
The story begins when this guy went to college. A fresh grad from high school, wearing shirts larger than his body size, and pants that look like as if he was gonna mop the floor with it. He always carries a bag with him, a nap sack that contains a binder, a folder of his sketches, a mechanical pencil, a plastic eraser, some pens, and of course his handy dandy payong (umbrella). He probably was one of the typical college students wanting to be known for something, meeting new friends, and discovering stuff (though he already knows a lot, and when I say 'a lot' it means... he knows things that teenagers this age should know, and more).
He would usually go to the mall alone, walking around the place as if looking for something, though he just enjoys to roam around seeing new stuff (checking out girls included) , though he just looks, and not stare. And by that time, he was hearing things about this trend called online games. Of course he knows how to play online games, though not the types that you should go online just to play them. But the moment he heard about these things, he was curious to try it out.
He then went to a computer cafe called Netopia (advertisement of the brand name not intended). He tried out this game called Ragnarok Online. Signed up to make an account, entered the game, typed his username and his computer generated password in which he still uses up to this moment, the password that is; and then started to create a character. He made a swordsman, and to a newbie player, it was a start of something he'd never done before. Making a swordsman and adding up INT stats to the character was really funny when he remembers the first time he played. He was able to level up the swordsman to 53, only a level short to becoming a Knight, but decided to make a better character. Soon he was spending money just to buy prepaid cards for the game. It is just the beginning... just the start of his life as a citizen of the virtual world.
[Part 2]
I've played Ragnarok online for the whole duration of my college life. Though I've also played other online games in between, just to have a breath of fresh air. During my advance levels of gaming, I left my swordsman and made a new one, a support type; a Priest. Well sort of related too, because during that time, I also joined a choir. I enjoyed piloting my priest up until the later stages, but was sort of bored at times and had to take a break from gaming. Trust me, there will come a time where you would ask your self: "What's the purpose of being a gamer?" but then again, you will start playing and get addicted once more.
During the later parts of my college days, I've shifted to another game, well not another game, a lot of games even. I've met a lot of friends at the computer shop where I used to play (we don't have our own internet connection during that time, so i have to go to a computer shop just to play), which is also an advantage, because I was able to gain friends, and it's no fun playing alone. We used to check out Beta Test games, and make reviews if the game would click or not. I used to be one of the competitive gamers of the games called O2 Jam and Audition 3D Dance Battle. We've also played RYL (Risk Your Life) wherein we also gave it a new name called "Risk Your Lunch", because we tend to skip lunch just to play that game (hehe).
As I was saying earlier, playing online games will help you gain friends, and of course a few enemies, especially those who think they are better than you are and end up hacking your account. Our gang (Rad Barkada) as we call our selves later known as (Random Insanities) had this gamer in our computer shop, he'd always tend to out play us, to the point that he'd hack our accounts just to get our cool stuff. But just the same, it's not all about the game, it's also about the trust you give and you earn to your friends and this guy is not one of them.
Oh well, enough of the drama... After I graduated from college, I still continued being a gamer, and guess what, I had a teaching job at a local computer learning center at our place. The cool thing was, one of my students was also a member of the Rad Barkada. What's so cool about that? I can kick his but in game, and in campus (hehe). But I also keep in mind that in school, I'm a teacher, and he's my student, but in the computer shop, I'm a better gamer, and he's my apprentice. LOL! Just kidding.
Our group of artists and gamers all in one had been through a lot. Not only online, but also in real life. Some of us would have problems with their girlfriends, some would have mood swings, and some would just disappear, and come back again. All in all, we're just a normal group of people wanting to have a good time playing games and sharing our art with others.
[Part 3]
But every fun moment must come to an end. It came to us that the computer shop can no longer continue its business and had to close down. Our group had to part ways too, but make sure that we hang out once in a while. One of our members (Grey) had to work abroad. Others had to go to Alabang or Manila to work and study. Some of us had to focus on their studies, and I landed a job in Lipa. But that didn't stop me from playing. I found another computer shop near the place where I stay in and played one or two online games there. So my life continued...
And then I had to go abroad to work, this is where all the gaming fun starts, because I have all the time to play after office hours. I've started to become an aeriagames player. Grand Fantasia was next game I played, being able to reach level 63 as a Necromancer. I'm not as well equipped like the other players, but I sure can deal some massive debuff skills. I've played GF (Grand Fantasia) for several months, but got tired because the game just doesn't feel right anymore. But there's light at the end of the tunnel.
[Part 4]
While still playing GF, I've started to look for other games, and saw this new game, still from aeriagames. It's called Kitsu Saga, from the developers of Grand Fantasia, it was quite exciting to wait for the launching of the game and play it for the first time. And that was the first time I was able to join a Closed Beta Test period (it's the initial launch of the game, where players get to test out the game before adding more features to the game). So from CBT, to OBT (Open Beta Test) I've been playing KS (Kitsu Saga). It's quite a lot of fun. And I've met more friends than any other game I've played before. Though online, it's really an experience. ^_^
I'm still playing the game, and trying to learn more about it. Who knows what secrets are there. :)
...to be continued... i guess...
Sunday, March 13, 2011
If you had...
Have you ever thought of having something that will never be yours even if you shit buckets of gold? How about wanting to be someone whom you would never become even if it means everything to you?
This is one of the sad realities of life. You can never have what you want, but you always want what you don't have. It's a human nature I guess, wherein you wake up every morning, thinking of what would become of you if you haven't opened the refrigerator door. Wanting to know what would happen next if you choose not to wear socks. Complaining about a low paying job wherein you could get more if you chose to live like a bum.
It's just damn annoying to hear people complaining about things but won't do anything about it. Blabbering about how difficult their job is, but not even trying to organize their way of work to make it easier to do. Looking for other people's mistakes to make them feel superior than the other. Keeping their tasks a secret so that they may be indispensable when the time comes.
Just the same, would it be nice if we could really get what we want, when we want it, where we want it, and how we want it? Yeah... sucks to be us. But believe it or not, I wouldn't look for any other way to reach the goals I am aiming for. Everything must be earned, and everything needs to take time to reach. Rubish? Maybe, maybe not. Who knows, right? At least I can aim for something, even if it has a snowballs chance of getting there.
Change... if you had something to change, what would it be, and why? Sounds like a question straight from a beauty pageant. But what if you could change something, what would it be? And if every one of us would be given that chance, wouldn't it be chaotic? Because most of the people would ask for "I want to be rich!"; "I want to rule the world!"; "I want to be Chuck Norris, just because he is epic and nothing can kill him." LOL. The last one was really random. So, change is a mind set, something that has to be done with precision and timing, and not just a word to define something. The sad thing is, most people want to skip the hard part, and go straight to the goal.
Rome wasn't built in a day as the saying goes. However, Rome was destroyed in less than a day. At least that's what I think. I really don't know the story, but what I am trying to say is that people must understand, that if you had to want something in your life, that is... the drive to aim for change. Not just the change in the physical form, but also the change in your perspective.
I'm saying these things not because I am a better person than you people, neither am I effective on applying these things. I am just aware that there are things like these in which we can use to make our lives better. We just have to find out how to start.
-Zeze over and out.
This is one of the sad realities of life. You can never have what you want, but you always want what you don't have. It's a human nature I guess, wherein you wake up every morning, thinking of what would become of you if you haven't opened the refrigerator door. Wanting to know what would happen next if you choose not to wear socks. Complaining about a low paying job wherein you could get more if you chose to live like a bum.
It's just damn annoying to hear people complaining about things but won't do anything about it. Blabbering about how difficult their job is, but not even trying to organize their way of work to make it easier to do. Looking for other people's mistakes to make them feel superior than the other. Keeping their tasks a secret so that they may be indispensable when the time comes.
Just the same, would it be nice if we could really get what we want, when we want it, where we want it, and how we want it? Yeah... sucks to be us. But believe it or not, I wouldn't look for any other way to reach the goals I am aiming for. Everything must be earned, and everything needs to take time to reach. Rubish? Maybe, maybe not. Who knows, right? At least I can aim for something, even if it has a snowballs chance of getting there.
Change... if you had something to change, what would it be, and why? Sounds like a question straight from a beauty pageant. But what if you could change something, what would it be? And if every one of us would be given that chance, wouldn't it be chaotic? Because most of the people would ask for "I want to be rich!"; "I want to rule the world!"; "I want to be Chuck Norris, just because he is epic and nothing can kill him." LOL. The last one was really random. So, change is a mind set, something that has to be done with precision and timing, and not just a word to define something. The sad thing is, most people want to skip the hard part, and go straight to the goal.
Rome wasn't built in a day as the saying goes. However, Rome was destroyed in less than a day. At least that's what I think. I really don't know the story, but what I am trying to say is that people must understand, that if you had to want something in your life, that is... the drive to aim for change. Not just the change in the physical form, but also the change in your perspective.
I'm saying these things not because I am a better person than you people, neither am I effective on applying these things. I am just aware that there are things like these in which we can use to make our lives better. We just have to find out how to start.
-Zeze over and out.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
And it goes a little something like this
Testing... testing... *taps microphone* is this thing on?
Ah, there.
In case you're wondering, this is my blog site. Well, not totally, mine, but this blog page is... at least. It has been 25 years, 2 months, 17 days and counting. I've been in this planet for that long now, and what? This is the first time that I'm actually writing a blog. There are lots of things that I need to write so that I may be able to share a piece of my mind with others.
This first post is actually an introduction of some sort where I can put random stuff in it, just wait... just wait...
See? The first few paragraphs alone are so random, that even I myself can't figure out what I wrote there. I think I want to say something about my self. Nah. I'm too lazy to even say anything as of this moment. Then why make a blog page you say? Because I feel like making one.
Refer to the previous line for more info, and then back here. Okay okay... back to reality. I'm not here at the office. Yep, I cyber slack, because I don't have anything to do at this moment, nothing at this moment at least. My job here is like staying at an island, waiting for a ship to pass by so that I can be rescued. Hmm, I think that's overrated. Let's say I'm walking down the street, looking for something interesting to check out, and when I see something, I lose interest, yeah, that's more like it. That's probably what I am doing at this very moment.
Ah, there.
In case you're wondering, this is my blog site. Well, not totally, mine, but this blog page is... at least. It has been 25 years, 2 months, 17 days and counting. I've been in this planet for that long now, and what? This is the first time that I'm actually writing a blog. There are lots of things that I need to write so that I may be able to share a piece of my mind with others.
This first post is actually an introduction of some sort where I can put random stuff in it, just wait... just wait...
See? The first few paragraphs alone are so random, that even I myself can't figure out what I wrote there. I think I want to say something about my self. Nah. I'm too lazy to even say anything as of this moment. Then why make a blog page you say? Because I feel like making one.
Refer to the previous line for more info, and then back here. Okay okay... back to reality. I'm not here at the office. Yep, I cyber slack, because I don't have anything to do at this moment, nothing at this moment at least. My job here is like staying at an island, waiting for a ship to pass by so that I can be rescued. Hmm, I think that's overrated. Let's say I'm walking down the street, looking for something interesting to check out, and when I see something, I lose interest, yeah, that's more like it. That's probably what I am doing at this very moment.
I don't know if I'm still making sense.
Have you ever felt like going to work, and the very moment you step into the bathroom to take a shower, you realize that it's Friday (here in Saudi Arabia, Friday is our weekend; where in most countries, Saturday is the start of the weekend). Yeah, it happened to me before. I was like, "Oh well... I will take a shower today anyways, might as well shower early in the morning." Just the same, we do tend to realize that the routine we are used to really gets into our system, that we no longer act like humans.
Robots you say? Machines, programs, and things, designed to perform a specific task, repeatedly, until it breaks down or repaired during maintenance. Yes, sooner or later, people will act like robots at a certain part of their lives. This might be common to those people who do office jobs, which tend to take 8 - 12 hours of their daily lives facing the computer, working on paper, and gathering information throughout the planet as to what went first, the chicken or the egg.
It gets frustrating on how we need to earn money just to have a decent living in this planet. Since when did this planet have value? I mean, in a monetary kind of perspective. If you would refer to the Bible (I don't mean to be spiritual) this planet was given to us by God (for free). But then again, people invented this thing called "money"; from then on, everything had a price tag, even sperm cells. Seriously... even those things.
But let's focus on the topic, because the previous paragraphs will be shown in a different blog post (maybe). I'm gonna use this blog site as an outlet, a part of me that only a few can see.
So here goes nothing. Just enjoy the ride and welcome to my blog site.
-Zeze over and out.
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